As I have said before, adoption is an emotional roller coaster, in so many ways. I think most people realize the joy of adopting, although I am not sure they realize the pure exhilaration and sense of euphoria when Gotcha Day arrives and you finally hold your baby for the first time. I highly doubt there is any drug in the world that can compare to this high! Besides this elation, there are also the lows of adoption. There is of course the stress of the dreaded paperwork that consumes so much of our valuable time and with every piece of paper, the worry that something will be wrong , which will bring the process to a crashing halt. There is the fear of trying to raise enough money to cover all of the costs, as well as the worry of insulting people when you reach out to them and ask for their help. There is also the questions and comments that come with telling people you are adopting. While the majority of people are so excited for us and extremely supportive, there are those few, who I believe are well intending, but that end up hurting our hearts.
Sometimes these questions and comments are symptoms of simply not having the knowledge and knowing the process of how adoption, especially international adoption works. The hours spent on completing paperwork, questionnaires, and self-studies, providing documentation and meeting with the adoption social worker, forces those adopting to explore every aspect of their lives and really examine how this addition will impact their family. From the moment you start considering adopting, to the point your child is in your arms, you are tested over and over again. It simply is NOT possible to make a lighthearted decision, the process forces you to really think things through and you develop great personal insight. So when people ask us how we are going to do things or imply we haven't thought about something, it bothers me, because quite frankly, that is ALL we have done. When we were making the decision to adopt Arrayah, our time was mostly spent on discussing raising three children of the same age. Arrayah has medical issues, we researched it, we talked to doctors, and others who had children with the same condition....the medical condition was the easy part of our decision process. We spent so much time on deciding 1) if we could do it 2) how this would affect our 2 little kiddos and 3) if this was fair to Arrayah. We started our first meeting with our adoption social worker discussing this topic, because this was our biggest worry. We HAVE thought it through. But the truth is, I worry, I am scared, I don't want to blow it. I don't want to fail myself, my kids, my husband, my family, or my God. If the comments are to make me aware....trust me when I say, I am VERY AWARE! The final conversation before we made our decision was this. We do not know how everything will go, but this is what God wants us to do, so it doesn't matter, we are to do this and He will help us every step of the way. Why on earth would a person consciously decide to parent 3 kids of the same age, it is not logical. This has nothing to do with logic, it has to do with faith, trust, and obedience. We have NO DOUBT that this is God's will for us, so we will do what has been asked of us.
Another area that I feel people are not aware of is the love and attachment that is already present, as soon as we are matched. I often wondered how someone could have such love for a child they have only seen in pictures. When a woman is pregnant, she experiences the baby moving and kicking, so the attachment seems obvious, but I am telling you, I loved Blayten & Anna the absolute same as I did Bethany. I'm not sure I can fully answer the question, other than to say, the feelings are absolutely there. I am not a mother of three children, I AM a mother of four children. I have moments when I ache because not all of my children are home. I feel her absence and I think about her often and what she is doing right now. Right now, she is waking up, right now she is probably playing, right now she is getting ready for bed. All of these things are happening without me. What helps is knowing that she is absolutely loved and cared for where she is currently at. I don't worry about her, I ache for her. I see her in our daily lives and yet she is not here. I miss her, a child I have never seen in person, a child I have never heard speak, a child I have never touched...I miss! I want her home. We have a hole that will not be filled until she is here with her family. So, when comments or questions are made, you are talking about my child, my baby. This is not a nameless, faceless orphan, it is MY BABY! While I am super excited, I am also hurting. Perhaps it is the mother in me, but I feel the need to protect. I have asked Mark, if we were announcing we were pregnant, would people say the things they have said to us when they were told we were adopting? When I tell you we are adopting, I am telling you we are having another baby....however she arrives!
Tonight I saw this posting on Facebook. "Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future, only He can see." I kept replaying the first part of this over and over in my head. "Every experience God gives us...." I realized tonight, God has given this to us...not only is he giving us Arrayah, but he is giving us this entire experience, including the part I am currently struggling with. He is allowing my struggle of feeling the need to explain and educate and yet being tired and hurt by it. I need to learn how to handle it better. Again, almost everyone we talk to is thrilled for us, but the few, I focus on. I need to grow thicker skin or learn to ignore their comments. I'm pretty sure there is a lesson about patience in here as well for me, darn it. He is also giving us the experience of raising 4 kids, three which are the same age. Why us? Why not? What is he trying to teach us or teach others by this? November is national adoption month. Maybe, people will see us as a positive example. If we could choose to adopt 3 children, maybe that person will feel compelled to at least adopt 1 child, which mean 1 less orphan in the world!
While we have considered everything we can think of, we do not know everything that will happen in the future. We only know, what we know. The rest of it, only He knows. If we have made this decision based on faith and His will, then we have done the right thing...and with that I have peace!
No comments:
Post a Comment